Autumn goals

In the spaces between my writing, this Autumn I want to focus more on...

... Walking
... Yoga
... Playing (with my daughter)
... Cooking stews
... Knitting (especially for my daughter)
... Reading (less web surfing)
... Homemaking (simply making our home more pretty)

The big leap

A week today, I will leave work for good, after just over four years with the company. You see, I resigned at what I feel is a natural break point in my career. I am taking three months off to write my third novel - to get as much of an outline or even a rough first draft finished before I return to advertising. It's summer, it feels like the perfect time :-)

My first two novels - written when I was at university - were unpublished. But they must have been of reasonable quality because those novels won me an agent and a publisher (Random House). Then I got ill and re-drafting those novels for publication and writing in general went on the backburner. Then I got a job, and then a career. Then I got married, and had a child. You know how life moves on at speed with little energy left over for working on our deep-seated passions.

But after four years in advertising, I was ready to move on. I started chatting to recruiters whilst still employed; I started talking to people. There are interesting, exciting jobs out there for me. And then I thought, began to feel, that I was ready to move on now, yes. But ready to move on to writing again.

Just for a while. Just to get started. Just to get something out there - if only a rough draft or an outline - that I can continue to work on whilst back at work. Just for the summer.

So I handed in my notice a month ago and I will not start looking for work until the Autumn. We have savings; Mr Planet will support me; Little Planet will remain in fulltime daycare; and I will dream and write, dream and write.

I won't write about my writing here. Blog posts may (or may not) be sporadic. Weekends will be family time so hopefully I'll still have many activities to blog about.

My big leap feels so good.

And, it's just for three months.

Sleepless

On Saturday, we breakfasted at Ottolenghi in Islington. M ate granola with fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries, papaya, pineapple and melon) and whipped Greek yoghurt; Little Planet had a lemon, blueberry and almond cake plus some of M's fruit salad; and I had a hazelnut and chocolate ricotta cake. The food was delicious - the fruit very sweet, the granola perfectly crunchy and the cakes moist and flavourful. As we paid the bill we were tempted into buying Yottam Ottolenghi's sumptuous Plenty cookbook of vegetarian recipes. I can't wait to start working our way through this book!

We walked round the corner to Cross Street. Little Planet had her feet measured for new shoes at the busy One Small Step One Giant Leap children's shoe shop, whilst M nipped round to the Steve Hatt fishmonger for sword fish and to Farrow & Ball for paint samples. We all popped into the Piero Maurizio deli for Gorgonzola and Parmesan cheeses and pasta. As the morning was bright and sunny, we walked home through Highbury Fields, popping into a toy shop on the way for a pirate finger puppet for Little Planet. She kept saying "Ahoy!" all the way home.

Back home, lunch for all three of us was pitta with houmous and cucumber before a play in the garden. While Little Planet napped, M did some gardening and I chilled out with the June Good Food magazine.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in the garden with Little Planet helping with the planting of radishes and spring onions (photo top*). Before her bedtime, we played cars with her in our bedroom and read her lots of stories. Dinner, for M and I, was grilled sword fish served with asparagus and roasted cherry tomatoes accompanied also by a parsley, caper and tomato salsa (photo bottom). By 9pm, I was ready for my bed - too much walking, too much fresh air, not enough sleep! - but 9pm just felt too early so I stayed up... until... 10pm! I am such a lightweight.

Sunday (today) was spent entirely at home. M went out jogging and saw London Mayor Boris Johnson playing tennis in Highbury Fields. I read the weekend papers and chatted with Little Planet whilst she played (and she really chats in sentences now; plus she is beginning to make up entire imaginary narratives - so entertaining). I am teaching myself to knit so that I can knit Little Planet some Winter woolies this year, so I did a few rows. Little Planet and M planted tomatoes and kicked a ball around in the garden while I hoovered the house and cleaned the cooker.

We lunched on spinach and feta boreks, houmous and lamb kibbe, then all three of us napped after lunch. I woke Little Planet up at 3pm (I've always woken her from her day time naps so they don't go on too long in order to protect her night time sleep - it's worked well for us so far) and gave her her afternoon milk (which she still has three times a day as she loves milk, like her mummy).

It rained for the rest of the day so we all stayed inside: M ironed all his work shirts; I read; Little Planet played and we also read together. Then M made Little Planet macaroni cheese for her dinner. He also made a start on a slow cook lamb ragu for dinner tomorrow and he made homemade granola for 2 weeks' worth of breakfast (though it's so yummy, I am not sure it will last that long).

It's 7.30pm now and Little Planet is in bed. I'm blogging this while M is making a simple dinner of grilled aubergines with Greek yoghurt, feta cheese, garlic, paprika, ground cumin & coriander and fresh mint leaves. He will serve it with a bulgur wheat salad. Later we will watch the TV drama on the BBC about Boy George's volatile relationship with Jon Moss.

But I doubt I will be able to watch it to the end for I am exhausted. Since Spring sprang, I've been naturally waking with the birds at dawn, sometimes as early as 4am but more usually around 5am. Both M and Little Planet are sound asleep, or if M wakes when I stir he falls easily back into sleep. But I can't fall back to sleep so easily: my mind starts thinking about the day ahead and 100 other things such as "How can I improve that client presentation?" or "I must remember to ring the curtain man" or "Will Little Planet wake before 6am this morning?" as she often does when she's teething her big back teeth.

Hurry up dark, Autumnal mornings when I can sleep properly again!

* A rare photo of Little Planet as she is today on this blog, albeit with her features obscured. Sorry about that... As much as I would love to show you her beautiful little face (and she truly is gorgeous!), I want to at least make some effort at preserving her privacy. We've kept her abundant hair short for all her young life but now we are growing it long with a short fringe.

5 day weekend, part 2

Better late than never to complete this post... A continuation of Part 1.

My mother-in-law looked after Little Planet on Bank Holiday Monday, so M and I headed into town to the British Library's Magnificent Maps exhibition, which was, as you would imagine from this venerable institution, a well-researched and detailed review of maps from 200AD to the present day. I used to be a Reader at the British Library when I was completing my PhD and though my membership has expired I was delighted to learn that reapplying would be incredibly straightforward. Remember that big life change I've hinted at recently? This would facilitate that immeasurably... But for now (and for the next few years) it's life as usual.

Afterwards, we shopped in Marylebone: The Conran Shop, Skandium, Daunts. We lunched at a bustling The Providores: I ate the grilled chorizo on creamy root vegetable gratin with a soft boiled egg, four nut dukkah, green olive, chilli and oregano salsa; M ate the sweet potato, spinach, wild garlic, feta and herb tortilla with yoghurt, basil pesto dressing, pinenuts and greens. It was all very fresh and flavourful though M didn't think it quite lived up to the hype.

Before returning home to play with Little Planet, we popped into Bill Fontana's River Sounding exhibition at Somerset House. This site installation used the sound of water to take us on an acoustic journey into the bowels of Somerset House, in so doing evoking the history of the River Thames that once flowed through the building. Meandering, atmospheric, haunting, spellbinding.

Tuesday was spent painting and decorating (photo top). M concentrated on painting the living room completely white - he's taken a whole week off to do this. I took delivery of a furniture order from John Lewis and spent all day in Little Planet's room setting everything up. Little Planet has been sleeping in her own room since she was 6 months old and yet until now her room has contained just her cot and lots of junk. Quite simply, we have been using her room for storage and she has been using it just to sleep. Now that she is nearing two years old, we thought enough is enough.

By the end of Tuesday, her room had become a space in which she can play and relax in: as well as the cot she's already been sleeping in, her room now has a toy box filled with toys, a wardrobe, the chest of drawers and changing unit that has been in our bedroom, a bookcase filled with her books, her beanbag chair, a chair for us all to sit in and gaze out the window - an activity Little Planet enjoys a lot as she loves staring at the cat, the fox, the squirrels and the birds that all make good use of our back garden. We are still waiting for her curtains and blind to be made and fitted - when this is done, I will post photos.

And then on Wednesday it was back to work for me.

10% more

In my last post, I described how I had struggled to set any New Year resolutions this year because, give or take several detours, I am living the life I had always dreamed for myself since childhood. I said that it's time to envision a new life for myself, or at least set myself some new goals.

Aside from my usual, "Get fit", "Read more current affairs", "Eat less", "Work harder" goals I half-heartedly set for myself every so often, I've been struggling to think about much that would make my existing life better...

...Except the concept of living the life I already live, but living it better.

It came to me one morning as I was walking to work: "What if I lived the life I live now, the life that I already love, but with 10% more effort?"

Every aspect of my existing life would improve, and it could start with the little things: Walking with 10% more energy, injecting 10% more oomph into my work presentations and meetings, giving 10% more attention to detail in how I dress and present myself, putting 10% more rigour into understanding the news articles I read and the art shows I view, having 10% more appreciation of the food I prepare and consume, investing 10% more focus on making my home more beautiful, being tender and kind towards my husband 10% more of the time, making 10% more attempts at making my little daughter laugh hysterically...

The thought that I need inject just 10% more effort into every aspect of my life feels achievable, not daunting.

So let's see how it goes... I already have an extra spring in my step.

Visioning a new life

When I was a teenager, I imagined a very clear picture of how I wanted my life to turn out when I grew up. I wrote the vision down on a piece of paper and kept it hidden away. I subsequently misplaced the piece of paper, but it didn't matter because the vision was so vivid it had burned into my psyche.

In that vision, I saw the way I dressed, the way I moved, the way I behaved, the man I had married, the home I lived in, the career I had carved out for myself and enjoyed, the leisure activities I pursued, some accomplishments I had achieved...

Fortunately my life has not unfurled exactly to plan and on schedule - I didn't forsee the heartaches, for example, or the illnesses; I didn't forsee how unconfident I would feel in so many situations. But you know what? My real life is pretty close to the life I imagined for myself all those years ago. I have the lovely home, the career that excites me, the husband who excites me and shares my love of food and travel, of city life and culture - the galleries, the restaurants, the movies, the people. I even have some bonuses - things I never actually wished for such as a child.

When I was pondering aloud to Mr Planet the other day why I was struggling to make any "bigger picture" resolutions for 2010, I realised it was because I am finally living the life I have always wanted to live.

I need to start dreaming again. It's time again to envision the next chapter of my life and write it down for posterity.

Oh my goodness, I have no idea where to start...

Best things in life...

• When my daughter chuckles to herself at something she's doing or thinking
• My husband's home cooking
• Being immersed so deeply into a project that I lose track of time
• Anticipating a holiday - as satisfying often as the holiday itself!
• Coming out into daylight after watching a matinee movie in the cinema
• The Black Hills and Badlands of South Dakota - an hypnotic environment redolent with so many fond memories for me
• Hot, buttery mash potatoes
• Marmite on white buttered toast (always has to be butter)
• An empty hour or three with a good book or the weekend newspapers
• My mother's embrace - so comforting when I'm upset
• The sound of silence
• Very loud rock music
• Bach's cello concertos - the only music that has brought me to tears with its beauty
• All Stars or Converse sneakers - the best things for my feet
• Trashy rom-com movies - my guilt pleasure
• British weather - I truly love the unpredictability of it
• A Sunday movie on DVD - I am really looking forward to the day Little Planet can curl up on the sofa and watch a movie with me
• Living in London - every day here is an adventure and I can't imagine living anywhere else in Britain
• Spontaneous hugs from my husband or daughter
• DKNY t-shirts
• John Smedley cardigans
• Nicole Farhi jumpers
• American Apparel baby clothes - bold colours and well made
• Standing out in the garden at night when the world is hushed and breathing in the fresh chill air and looking at the stars
• Freshly roasted Monmouth coffee
• Napping
• Dancing with my daughter
• A foot massage from my husband
• Snuggling... into my husband, into my baby, into a duvet
• Being pregnant - I loved my hair, my skin, my body, feeling her move about inside me, the nesting, the dreaming... I felt so powerfully feminine
• Pottering at home
  

So many more things, but this is it for now...

Adult tantrums

Ever since I hit puberty, I have been blessed not to be cursed by my monthly periods. Yes, I have suffered a few cramps, a few spots and low level mood swings, but overall... nothing unbearable or dramatic. And certainly, over time even these low-level cramps and mood swings have disappeared.

So it was a shock to all when my temper turned exceedingly foul this weekend. Even my daughter and her constant babbling - usually so endearing (well, most of the time) turned me into a black-hearted witch. I was so irritable, all weekend; I couldn't stop moaning; and it got so bad that I even voiced the taboo phrase, "I wish I had never had a baby!".

Now, I am naturally quite quick-tempered. But I am also quick to calm down. I am going through a stressful pitching process at work. But again, what's not stressful about my job. I have a few medical worries too. But, these are part of my life now. I have a toddler who is expressing her independence. But she's a toddler and it's all part of normal development.

Despite my black mood, we managed to have a good(-ish) weekend. We walked down Marylebone High Street - buying winter clothes for Little Planet from Bonpoint, books from Daunt's, meat from The Ginger Pig and vegetables and cheese from La Fromagerie. We then walked down to Piccadilly and saw Subodh Gupta's amazing sculptures at the Hauser & Wirth gallery (all photos).

We ate some really good meals: on Saturday, rare fillet steaks and greens stir-fried with garlic; and tonight M is making Nigel Slater's pork chops with apples and cider. We saw my mum.

And we spent alot of time playing with Little Planet. Well, M did... I was in too dark a mood to do anything other than work (on a work presentation), lie prostrate on the couch and generally grumble and whinge like a toddler. Even my own toddler was better behaved than me this weekend.

I hope I snap out of this soon.

Precious times

I had the day off work yesterday. I went with M to drop Little Planet off at daycare and then we headed to the Fleet River Bakery in Holborn for breakfast. M had a pain au chocolat and coffee; I had a cheese and ham croissant, and pear juice. Though highly rated amongst reviewers, I am less enamoured by this rustic, homely Holborn cafe. The cakes and bread always seem dry; they never offer to heat up my savoury croissants or sandwiches; and the service overall seems remote.

M went off to work and I walked through Covent Garden, Chinatown and Soho. I like walking through here before 10am, whilst the stores are not yet open and the delivery men are still unloading their wares.

I saw two good art shows at the Haunch of Venison: a collective show of Enrico Castellani, Dan Flavin, Donald Judd and Günther Uecker and then the monochromatic watercolours of Uwe Wittwer. If you're stuck in Piccadilly with a full bladder or with a baby with a full nappy then I highly recommend this gallery's toilets - very nice and clean and, most importantly, usually empty. I also saw the Keith Arnatt photography exhibition at Karsten Schubert on Lower John Street.

I had hoped to see the latest Abstract America exhibition at the Saatchi Gallery off Sloane Square but it was closed for a private function. I didn't feel like window shopping along the King's Road so I headed to Paddington to catch a train to Oxford.

There, I ate a disappointingly stodgy lunch (too many potatoes) at the stuffy Nosebag cafe opposite the Oxford Union. I then wandered past the Bodleian library and the Radcliffe Camera, and through the still delightful Covered Market (photos above and below).

I studied in Oxford and I adore wandering around its pretty streets. For me, those streets resonate with history, and the scent of academia is so palpable it still makes me shiver with pleasure. I admit I am totally “rose-tinted glasses” about my alma mater. I had no negative experiences studying in that high-pressured environment. As much as I am energised by my career in advertising, I never felt more at home or more at peace than when I was immersed in pure academic research. What I dislike about academia is the teaching and the pressure to “publish or perish” and so I left it aside as a career option.

However, my memories of Oxford are tainted by the fact that I became quite ill while I was there. I recovered, but every other year, I have a checkup with an oncologist at the Churchill Hospital. Everything is usually fine, but still I get quite emotional in Oxford. In fact, I still get emotional whenever cancer is mentioned on TV, in movies, in real life. The last time I had a check up, Little Planet wasn't yet born. I am married, I have a daughter, and I feel like I have so much more to lose nowadays. It doesn't bear thinking about really.

So I was relieved to leave Oxford and overjoyed to return to London yesterday evening, to kiss my husband and hold my little girl tightly before putting her to bed.

Life is so, so precious that it hurts. But the fact that it is precious can produce pure joy too. Thank goodness.

Letting go

8am this morning. I'm still in bed. I have bed hair, my skin is a little oily from the night, my huge pregnant belly is peering out from beneath the hem of my too-small ti-shirt, kohl eye-liner is smudged unattractively around my eyes, my legs need de-fuzzing, I seriously need to brush my teeth.

I text M, who landed in Heathrow from Atlanta an hour ago: "Let me know when you're on your way home and I'll get out of bed." Then I settle back into the pillows with a mug of coffee, a stack of interiors magazines and my iPod on shuffle. 30 minutes later I get a text, "I'll be home in 20 minutes. Don't bother getting out of bed".

I haven't seen my husband in 2 weeks. More importantly, he hasn't seen me in 2 weeks. I look a mess! Damn, I have 20 minutes to make myself look presentable. As I hurtle through my shower, I find myself fuming, Do you not know what it's like to be a woman! You haven't seen me in 2 weeks - of course I need to get out of bed and make myself look attractive! We've been together 3 years, married for 1. But first impressions still count.

By the time I hear his keys in the door, I am presentable but still fuming inside. Of course, when he walks in the door with all his bags - including some goodies for me from DKNY - and looking tanned and handsome, my stress melts away. Especially when he gathers me in his arms and kisses me all over and says, "You look great!"

Okay all you out there in long(-ish) relationships - surely you also still stress out about looking good for your partners? My reaction can't be unique?!

Crushes

Olivia recently posted her "Hot List" of sexy celebrity men. I've always been hesitant to share my list with the girls I know because they look at me as if I am crazy. As Olivia pointed out, my heart has always been with another generation despite my own personal hot man being 4 months younger than me.


I fell for the mercurial looks and music of singer David Bowie (top left) before I was a teenager and now in his 60s he is around 30 years older than me. I was captivated by this man who no one ever seemed able to pin down and define; who never seemed to be afraid of trying out new personalities for himself; and who is frightfully erudite and intelligent. My lifelong obsession with him has exposed me to alot of writers, musicians, artists, films and lifestyles.

I fell for the music and looks of singer and poet Leonard Cohen (top right) in my late teens and now in his 70s he is around 40 years older than me. I continue to be drawn by his deep voice, his love of women and spirituality and sex, his poise and elegance. I am so sad I will miss his concert in July.

Playwright and actor Sam Shepard (bottom right) ensnared me with his cowboy looks and Pulitzer-winning writing when I was in my early teens and he too is over 30 years older than me. I loved the fact that he went out with Patti Smith and has settled with Jessica Lange - two women I also had girl crushes on.

Actor Tony Leung (bottom left) is a more recent addition to my Hot List, having first encountered him in Wong Kar-Wai's movies. He's just some 10 years older than me so I am doing well! He has a brooding presence, and... well... he's just hot, period.

I have my girl crushes too, off course. Since I was a child, I've been in awe of actresses Rekha (below left, with another of my childhood hunks Amitabh Bachchan) and Shabana Azmi (below right) and dreamed of looking as beautiful and as elegant as them when I grew up. I wanted the poise and sophistication of actress Catherine Deneuve. I wanted the raw sexiness of actress Jessica Lange (I also wanted her hot life partner Sam Shepard!) and the indie sexiness and über coolness of singer Debbie Harry. My most recent girl crush is Beyoncé - quite apart from her talent, I would love to have a body and mane like hers.


Okay, let's make this a tag - who are your boy and girl crushes and why? They can't just be people you admire; they must be people you find sexy also. I tag you all. Please leave a comment when you've posted so we can check your crushes out.

Easter drift

In the end I didn't do much more than drift from one thing to another without purpose, which makes a refreshing change as I am a woman who likes to plan.

I watched season premieres of House and Grey's Anatomy, neither of which I've seen before, as well as the new Dirty Sexy Money, which is looking promising. I chatted with my parents and with M over the phone twice a day as he travelled between Jacksonville and Manhattan (where I'd instructed - whoops, requested - him to look at camcorders, laptops and DKNY clothing for me). I watched Brief Encounter and a few episodes of The Waltons on DVD. I watched The Way We Were. I filled my bags at the Food Hall in John Lewis and cabbed it home, chatting about Thailand with the affable taxi driver who has a Thai wife and 8 month old daughter living in Issan. I ate alot of Green & Black's milk chocolate and blood red oranges and marmite on toast, though not all together. I stayed in bed late, sleeping, napping, reading Hullabaloo In The Guava Orchard and The Inheritance Of Loss, and listening to Loretta Lynn, Leonard Cohen and Lambchop on my iPod. I wrote in my journal - a pretty pink and cream Japanese notebook from London Mitsukoshi's JP Books. I did laundry but I couldn't be bothered to hoover and dust the house despite my mother-in-law coming over on Easter Monday (today). I showed her around the new house. We went out to eat Turkish food with her friend and my sister-in-law and we looked at baby photos of M. We watched the 4D video of Little Planet's scan. I watched my belly dance as the baby did her rolling and kicking and hiccuping routine inside me. I browsed baby and nursery products from independent sellers on the internet. I read other peoples' blogs. And tomorrow morning I am off to my parents' house to eat home-cooked curries and drift aimlessly for another week.

I miss M so much. It's the longest we've been apart. I know from my own experience that a life spent largely alone can be rich and rewarding if you continually endeavour to make it so. But it's wonderful how much texture, shape and rhythm a loved one gives to one's day.

Choices

The four days of Easter begin and, aside from Easter Sunday when my mother-in-law, her friend and my sister-in-law visit for the day, the time is all my own. Do I tackle the brisk wind outside and catch a movie in town (Love In The Time Of Cholera), look at fabric for curtains and sofas in John Lewis, and check out a few art exhibitions (John Virtue and Antony Gormley). Or do I simply snuggle in at home for the day with a good book, my magazines, a DVD or two, and comfort food.

There is a part of me that feels I should 'save' snuggling for maternity leave and get out and about while I still comfortably can.

I'll see how I feel after I've drunk my coffee, read a few chapters of my book (The Inheritance Of Loss) and flipped through April's editions of O and Real Homes magazines - all without leaving my warm bed. It's the holidays after all. Who really needs to decide anything...

Intimacy and solitude

I was raised a happy and contented only child, I've been single for more years than I've been coupled up, and I enjoy solitude so much I have joyously spent weeks in my own company not socialising with a soul. When M said he had to go away to the States on business for two weeks, I thought to myself, "This will be fine. I love my own company. It's been a while since I've been truly alone to operate at my own pace only." And I've been enjoyably busy, booking the removals, arranging the parking suspensions, finding the cleaning company, buying a new PC, scheduling BT to install the phoneline and wireless broadband, showing friends and family around the new house, cooking all my meals, reading, writing, dreaming, and of course working. But I miss my other self. I am so much more of myself when I am with him. He enhances me. My life was good before him. But now it's so much better.

Mr and Mrs Planethalder

M on the left and me on the right - just a few months old, yet look at all our hair! Inspired by Broom.

I tag 30in2005, Southways, SilentOne, Prema, Mallika, Tommy, Jean, Olivia, Leslee, Sprink, Hypatia (if you're still there, Hyp) and Choxbox - in fact anyone who reads me. Photos of you as a baby or you and your partner as babies please and leave a comment so we can check you out!

New Year notes

• I have so much to be grateful for in 2007 - my husband, our romantic wedding in February, my ever-deepening relationship with my parents, gaining a new family, getting two pay rises and a promotion in a career and company I love, my husband enjoying his new job also, getting pregnant, re-visiting NYC, having two honeymoons in Japan and India, getting our offer on a house accepted, having another year of good health.
  
  
• My life has not always been so blessed and joyous, and I know enough about how life works to not expect such blessings and joys so fulsomely all the time. But this was certainly my year for happiness and I am savouring it all.
  
  
• I suspect 2008 will be just as busy and so I am again not making any New Year resolutions. When I recovered from cancer a few years ago, I vowed I would make the most of life and not just seize opportunities as they came to me but create opportunities for myself, without thinking too much and over-analysing and having the moment pass me by. It was the biggest resolution I could make to myself and has served me increasingly well over the years.
  
  
• Having said all that, there are a few bite-sized resolutions I want to keep for 2008. I am guilty of never having read a Charles Dickens novel and as I love London so much I want to rectify this pronto. I want to get back into the habit of reading the current affairs sections of newspapers and magazines rather than contenting myself with the Arts or Lifestyle sections. I want to keep in better touch with family and friends - even if it simply means remembering to send birthday cards out on time. I want to make sure I slather on the body lotion each and every morning after my shower.
  
  
• We saw the New Year in quietly at home, with a leg of lamb slow-roasted with rosemary and garlic and served with a salad of baby lettuces, sliced pears, orange segments, coriander leaves, pomegranate seeds, toasted pine nuts and roasted beetroot. M found the salad recipe in a local Austin newspaper from his business trip to Texas a few weeks ago. Then we watched Jools Holland on BBC2 and the sensational fireworks on the River Thames on BBC1 and soon after midnight phoned both sets of families - one in Suffolk, the other in Loughborough - to wish them a Happy New Year.
  
  
• This may very well, God willing, be our last New Year together before we are joined by Little Planethalder so it was extra special seeing in 2008 just the two of us - M with his California syrah and me with my elderflower cordial. Hugging, kissing, being in love, being together.
  
  
• And then today, the first day of 2008, we went walking across Hampstead Heath, where we were married earlier this - whoops, last year. One of my favourite places on earth and so close to home. Our boots sinking into the wet, squelching mud. Stopping for bangers and colcannon mash and bread pudding for lunch at Kenwood House.
  
  
• At home, we began to watch Akira Kurosawa's medieval epic Kagemusha, but were so shattered from the walk and fresh air we collapsed into sleep.
  
  
• Now M is preparing shepherd's pie from the lamb leftover from last night's roast and reading last weekend's New York Times and I'm catching up online.Tomorrow, it's back to work for both of us. Happy New Year one and all!
  

A few lovely things

... Spending the weekend with my parents in Suffolk and eating lots of cake in celebration of both my mother's and my husband's birthdays
... Watching the glee on M's face as he flicked through the leatherbound edition of Arsenal newspaper cuttings from the last 80 years or so that I got him, amongst other things, for his birthday
... Cooking and eating okra curry with red peppers and black mustard seeds on a cold, wintry night
... Buying a metalic silver dress and sequin burgundy vest from DKNY for our work Christmas party. Just need to buy the push up bra, heels and a new pair of Wolford tights and I'm set
... Wining and dining clients on expenses
... Getting a promotion at work today and my second pay rise of the year - yippeeee!

Silence

Just popping in to say I'm still here. So much is happening and I'll write soon, I promise.

The only one

Silent One wrote an interesting post on second children that made me think about my own situation. I'm an only child and, as far as I can remember, had no problems growing up alone at all. It was a normal situation for me. Because both my parents worked full time, I had a variety of baby sitters and went to nursery school very early and as a result I was quite bubbly and sociable and never shy. I had my parents' undivided attention during evenings and weekends, and I was included whenever their adult friends visited. And of course I had my nursery, primary and secondary school friends too.

I was also very content to be on my own. I had an active imagination and could while away many hours alone in my own world. I loved reading as much as playing, and my mum says today that frequently she would not hear me for hours even if we were in the same house! In short, I think I was a very well-adjusted only child.

It was only as an adult, and no longer cushioned from life by my parents, that I began wondering what it would be like to have a sibling or two to share the ups and downs of life with. I know relationships with siblings are not guaranteed to be smooth nor are many of them that close, but the unspoken bond based on shared history and biology is something I sometimes wish I had for myself now.

M is really close to his siblings. He doesn't see them often, but when they get together their pleasure at seeing one another and their natural, unguarded interaction is a delight to witness.

And my father comes from a large family. Because all his siblings are in India, he sees them extremely infrequently. Years go by. But when they finally see one another, their genetic and social history binds them together in such a way that the fact that years have passed means nothing. Again, it's a joy to watch.

I am extremely close to my parents and so the need for a familial bond is satisfied. Moreover, I am married now and am creating my own family unit with M. But when my parents are no longer here? ... If I didn't have M in my life, if I was truly alone, I wonder how much "existential" loneliness I would feel - perhaps a fair bit...

All this, for some reason, doesn't make me want to necessarily have more than one child. But then again, who knows...

Puttering

Friday night after work is for puttering around the new John Lewis Food Hall, picking at whatever takes our fancy for the weekend ahead - fig bread, Camembert cheese, a variety of pasta, a variety of chocolate, plain and lemon cheesecakes, fresh peas, wild blueberry jam and marmalade - then returning home to cook a moreish dinner of paneer, peas and pumpkin curry.

Saturday is for puttering around town... Lying in very late, reading the newspaper over breakfast with the sun streaming in through the kitchen window, then signing more papers at our estate agents / Strolling down Tottenham Court Road, popping into This Is Furniture, BoConcept and Heal's appraising the merits of different styles of wardrobes, sofas and beds to fill the extra space our new house will have / Eating delicious chargrilled bacon cheeseburgers and fries with garlic mayo at Hamburger Union / Being dazzled by the colour and scale of Shirana Shahbazi's photos and paintings at the Barbican / Crying buckets at the viewing of complex Korean family drama Family Ties by Kim Tae-Yong, also at the Barbican as part of the Korean Film Festival / Walking by the new house and feeling fuzzy, warm and gratified at seeing not just how quiet the area is on a Saturday night and how great the house looks, but by the big, bold Sold sign outside it too / Eating only big bowls of grapes, plums and clementines for dinner while catching up on the thrilling Arsenal v. Man Utd game on Match Of The Day.

Sunday is for puttering around the house... Lying in very late, then breakfasting on toasted crusty white bread with melting slices of smelly Camembert and sweet as can be blueberry jam / Doing laundry / Vacuuming / Dusting / Cleaning floors / Planning the week's dinners - moussaka, tom yun goong, lamb and apricot stew, chickpea and spinach curry - then shopping locally for groceries / Vegging out with creamy Lindt milk chocolate and a chick flick movie Dinner With Friends, not feeling guilty at all while M is sweating it out at the gym / M cooking ahead just as my parents used to do every Sunday - boiling chicken wings into chicken stock for the tom yun goong, slow cooking the tomatoes and grilling the aubergines for the moussaka, part-cooking the lamb for the stew - to save time after work (he gets so much pleasure out of cooking, lucky for me) / Lunching on Heinz tomato soup and crusty white bread with lots of butter melting on top / Eating M's sea bream with fried potatoes and spinach for dinner / Catching up with parents on the phone / Watching old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD while eating lemon cheesecakes.

How has your weekend been?