Visioning a new life

When I was a teenager, I imagined a very clear picture of how I wanted my life to turn out when I grew up. I wrote the vision down on a piece of paper and kept it hidden away. I subsequently misplaced the piece of paper, but it didn't matter because the vision was so vivid it had burned into my psyche.

In that vision, I saw the way I dressed, the way I moved, the way I behaved, the man I had married, the home I lived in, the career I had carved out for myself and enjoyed, the leisure activities I pursued, some accomplishments I had achieved...

Fortunately my life has not unfurled exactly to plan and on schedule - I didn't forsee the heartaches, for example, or the illnesses; I didn't forsee how unconfident I would feel in so many situations. But you know what? My real life is pretty close to the life I imagined for myself all those years ago. I have the lovely home, the career that excites me, the husband who excites me and shares my love of food and travel, of city life and culture - the galleries, the restaurants, the movies, the people. I even have some bonuses - things I never actually wished for such as a child.

When I was pondering aloud to Mr Planet the other day why I was struggling to make any "bigger picture" resolutions for 2010, I realised it was because I am finally living the life I have always wanted to live.

I need to start dreaming again. It's time again to envision the next chapter of my life and write it down for posterity.

Oh my goodness, I have no idea where to start...

New Year notes

• I have so much to be grateful for in 2007 - my husband, our romantic wedding in February, my ever-deepening relationship with my parents, gaining a new family, getting two pay rises and a promotion in a career and company I love, my husband enjoying his new job also, getting pregnant, re-visiting NYC, having two honeymoons in Japan and India, getting our offer on a house accepted, having another year of good health.
  
  
• My life has not always been so blessed and joyous, and I know enough about how life works to not expect such blessings and joys so fulsomely all the time. But this was certainly my year for happiness and I am savouring it all.
  
  
• I suspect 2008 will be just as busy and so I am again not making any New Year resolutions. When I recovered from cancer a few years ago, I vowed I would make the most of life and not just seize opportunities as they came to me but create opportunities for myself, without thinking too much and over-analysing and having the moment pass me by. It was the biggest resolution I could make to myself and has served me increasingly well over the years.
  
  
• Having said all that, there are a few bite-sized resolutions I want to keep for 2008. I am guilty of never having read a Charles Dickens novel and as I love London so much I want to rectify this pronto. I want to get back into the habit of reading the current affairs sections of newspapers and magazines rather than contenting myself with the Arts or Lifestyle sections. I want to keep in better touch with family and friends - even if it simply means remembering to send birthday cards out on time. I want to make sure I slather on the body lotion each and every morning after my shower.
  
  
• We saw the New Year in quietly at home, with a leg of lamb slow-roasted with rosemary and garlic and served with a salad of baby lettuces, sliced pears, orange segments, coriander leaves, pomegranate seeds, toasted pine nuts and roasted beetroot. M found the salad recipe in a local Austin newspaper from his business trip to Texas a few weeks ago. Then we watched Jools Holland on BBC2 and the sensational fireworks on the River Thames on BBC1 and soon after midnight phoned both sets of families - one in Suffolk, the other in Loughborough - to wish them a Happy New Year.
  
  
• This may very well, God willing, be our last New Year together before we are joined by Little Planethalder so it was extra special seeing in 2008 just the two of us - M with his California syrah and me with my elderflower cordial. Hugging, kissing, being in love, being together.
  
  
• And then today, the first day of 2008, we went walking across Hampstead Heath, where we were married earlier this - whoops, last year. One of my favourite places on earth and so close to home. Our boots sinking into the wet, squelching mud. Stopping for bangers and colcannon mash and bread pudding for lunch at Kenwood House.
  
  
• At home, we began to watch Akira Kurosawa's medieval epic Kagemusha, but were so shattered from the walk and fresh air we collapsed into sleep.
  
  
• Now M is preparing shepherd's pie from the lamb leftover from last night's roast and reading last weekend's New York Times and I'm catching up online.Tomorrow, it's back to work for both of us. Happy New Year one and all!
  

Mid-week rambles

• I'm writing this bleary eyed at 5.30am in the morning. Have been up for a few hours. I couldn't sleep, I still can't sleep, and I have a breakfast meeting and three proposals to write today. How am I going to keep my eyes open today?
  
  
• Gorgonzola, broccoli and pasta tonight for dinner - I'm already dreaming of it.
  
  
• All week, our tummies have been filled with juicy peaches, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, pineapples and watermelon.
  
  
• Be still, and know that I am God. Still my favourite mantra in the middle of a hectic day, even though I don't care for the rest of the psalm.
  
  
• It's my birthday on Friday!
  
  
• A post I read recently made me think about manifesting for a good relationship. I never had the patience to do this when I was sans M and single, but a friend of mine years ago, who had been single for several years, found a picture of her ideal relationship and meditated regularly on the image. She also made a list of all the qualities she wanted in a partner and meditated on that too. After a short time, that image of her ideal relationship materialised for her in the shape of the man who is now her now husband.
  
  
• I usually try and make the effort to take a packed lunch into work each day, but this and last week I've been enjoying some lovely lunches from Crussh - summer porridge with berry compote, pomegranate chicken and spiced brown rice salad with a yoghurt and mint dressing, sweet pepper and Moroccan chicken salad with sun-dried tomatoes and basil, hemp and sunflower seed organic yoghurt... Today I may try one of their super-healthy-sounding health pots - perhaps beetroot, chickpeas and fresh coriander, or perhaps organic grated carrot, pumpkin seeds, sultanas and cranberries in a flaxseed oil and mustard dressing.
  
  
• My presentation to clients yesterday went extremely well. They work in the luxury end of the food industry and eat in Michelin-starred restaurants virtually every day, and yet they said that when they go out for pleasure it is to small, independent, ethnic restaurants such as Indian or Thai. One of the guys said he likes nothing better than eating tinned Heinz spaghetti hoops for dinner after a day of eating fancy food! Luckily, they seemed to enjoy my choice of dinner venue - Sardinian restaurant Sardo. For starters, I ate carpaccio di manzo - finely sliced fillets of beef marinated in extra virgin olive oil, lemon and fresh herbs, served with rocket leaves and pecorino shavings. For mains, I ate tonno alla griglia - grilled fresh tuna steak served with rucola and tomatoes. And my dessert was an amaretto sponge cake with nougat ice cream.
  
  It was wonderful meeting people as crazy about food as I me. They too plan their holidays around what they like - or would like - to eat!
  
  
• I finally got my parents' cine 8 reels of childhood home movie footage converted to DVD. The transfer cost a whopping £200 for just 1 hour and 25 minutes but it's for their 40th wedding anniversary on the 15th of August, so it's completely worth it. M has been having fun watching his wife as a 1 year old and it's been wonderful for me to see how glamourous my parents and their Indian friends looked all those years ago - having dinner parties and going on day trips to the seaside or to the country. It strikes me that footage of middle class Indian life in 60s and 70s Britain must be so rare.

Midweek rambles

- Completely shaken up by a very aggressive neighbour - the kind of man who cannot have a logical, adult conversation but has to shout boosted by alcohol (including at his wife).

- Work has been a much steadier pace this week which has been a pleasant surprise. Have been able to leave on time each day so far, though I still start early.

- I'm discovering that wireless is not so liberating afterall. I've had to ask M not to let me have his phone all the time cause I'm getting addicted to surfing the net on it all over the house. I need to stick to a laptop connected to a single location with wires.

- Choosing our hotels and flights to Tokyo and Kyoto. Poring over guidebooks and back issues of Wallpaper* and travel magazines and planning all the things we want to see and do. Dreaming of all things Japanese.

- Contrary to appearances, I am an inverterate snob. So when I was tagged by Broom, I jumped at the chance to vent on those I judge. Here goes, you may not like me after this:

• Primark girls - you look cheap, perhaps you are cheap, why do you want to look like everyone else, dare to be an individual! (Okay, in venting I'm completely overlooking the fact that I like wandering around Oasis, The Gap and Top Shop once in a while. But this is a vent, so who cares.)
  
• Addicts begging for money beneath ATMs - I'm not funding your habit, go away cause you're spoiling it for those genuinely in need.
• Out-of-towners who eat in Garfunkels or Angus Steakhouse - this is one of the greatest cities in the world. You come here and then can't be bothered to take advantage of the sheer variety of food. You may as well have stayed in the suburbs.
  
• Tourists dawdling in the middle of the street - okay, I do the same in your country, but come on I'm late for work!
• Language students pestering me with their leaflets - I may have brown skin but please do not presume I need help speaking English - I speak it better than most English people anyway. (Did I mention I'm a Leo with a big ego?)
  
• People in cheap purple nylon clothes pestering me to take their free London newspapers - I know you're struggling to make a living like the rest of us but please don't take up so much room on the pavement. Besides, why would I want to assist you in the cutting down of our trees and adding to the landfill?
• Harry Potter kidults - please grow up, you look silly in a suit reading it on the Tube. How old are you - 35? At least try and hide your addiction or at the very least read the adult cover version. (Sorry all the people I know who are Potters - I'm just venting, just for the purposes of this post! Who am I to judge - I enjoy chick lit now and again.)
  
• Men who wear wet gel in their hair to work - you're men not boys.
• Men whose suit trousers don't quite reach the tops of their shoes - you're men not boys.
• Suited men who forget to polish their shoes - why would I employ you if you cut corners and pay no attention to detail?
• Whingers and whiners and naggers and ditherers - just get on with it for f's sake!
• People who moan about living in London and sit watching TV or getting drunk in bars every free time they get - either move out or make the most of where you live but stop complaining.
• Judgmental, small-minded, snobby people - whoops, I'd better move along guiltily!

- So far this week we've cooked and eaten chicken fajitas, beef and leek noodle soup, cheesy scrambled eggs with leeks and a balsamic tomato salad, curried chickpeas and spinach with apricots.

- Have been engrossed in Paul Auster's The Brooklyn Follies - so much more expansive than his previous novels, with a fabulously realistic set of characters and an intense sense of location. I'm trying to draw out the last few pages because I can't bear for it to end. His best book yet.

- Losing myself in a series of in-the-moment activities - folding laundry, washing dishes, wiping surfaces, chopping vegetables. Who needs to sit in zazen.

Here and now

"When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills. When he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nevous. When he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of his power” – Tranxu via Anthony De Mello.

I've been revisiting Anthony De Mello and Thomas Merton of late. Their words have nurtured me, on and off, since I was a teenager. I went to convent school and it was Sister Anne who first exposed me to the rich vein of Catholic thinking inspired by Buddhism. Her introduction influenced my spiritual life immensely.