Birth notes

My baby was due on Tuesday 3rd of June, but the day came and went and I began to worry as I had hardly felt a twinge. Sure, I realised most first births go beyond the estimated due dates, but I am an incredibly impatient girl and anticipation was high. I was having Braxton Hicks contractions but they were painless and pain was my way of gauging whether I was close to labour or not.

So on the 4th, I went to the antenatal clinic at University College London Hospital. Upon examination, the doctor discovered I was already 2cm dilated, that my cervix had shortened to half a centimetre and was soft, and that the baby's head was deeply engaged. Despite being confident full-on labour would start soon, he did a membrane sweep - the anticipation of which was more uncomfortable than the actual sweep itself. He also booked me in for an induction 10 days later as a matter of routine. M and I went out for coffee and cake on Tottenham Court Road and I immediately began to feel period-like twinges and cramps and had mild bleeding. This was a relief.

On the afternoon of Friday the 6th, I began feeling my first painful contractions at home. They came sporadically in waves and by 2am on Saturday morning, I left M alone to sleep in peace and continued to labour by myself downstairs on the sofa, breathing through each intensifying contraction and trying to use such natal hypnotherapy visualisations as the cervix opening up petal by petal as a flower, my baby moving downwards, and lowering a pain dial down towards 1. The breathing worked best for me - breathing oxygen into the muscle and remembering that I only had to cycle up to the peak of pain around 40 seconds in and then feel the release of the cycle downwards towards the end of the contraction. I was scared but excited, and felt quite powerful and womanly thinking about how each contraction was bringing me closer to meeting Little P. It also helped me knowing exactly what was going on physiologically.

At 9am, we were driven to the hospital by a very patient and calm taxi driver, and discovered I was 4cm dilated. I was admitted to the birthing unit. I continued to breathe deeply and visualise my way through the increasingly gripping, cramping contractions as I alternated hanging off a high rail, pacing the floor and sitting on a gliding chair. I didn't take any pain relief because somehow I was managing.

By 3pm, however, I was only 5cm dilated and I was becoming so exhausted I wasn't managing the pain very well. I entered the birthing pool and contracted through the blissfully warm water. The feeling of relief was amazing but the water slowed my contractions down completely and I requested an epidural.

For this, I had to move from the midwife-led birthing unit to the conventional delivery suite. Though just a hallway separated the two units, the difference in atmosphere was great: the birthing unit was calm and quiet, I was aided by just a single midwife and I was fully mobile; the delivery suite was busy with noise and consultants and several midwives and I was hooked up to a variety of drips and monitors and limited to the bed from the outset.

But I have no problem with conventional medicine and practices and as my labour was not turning out to be straightforward, I felt reassured that I was in the capable hands of a bigger team. Plus, the epidural was an immense relief and the relief from pain freed me to feel more like myself again. More importantly, it allowed me to doze and recoup my energy.

When it looked like my contractions were not becoming more frequent and they could see my baby was becoming distressed at the length of labour, I was given oxytocin to see if my labour could be speeded up. It couldn't. It took me several more hours to dilate to just 6cm. M had slipped out as I had requested more magazines and a book to read so he was in Borders bookstore on Charing Cross Road.

While he was out, my baby's heartbeat gave much cause for alarm among the staff. Suddenly a flurry of midwives and consultants rushed in, my legs were in stirrups and in hasty but meticulous detail I was being told that it looked like my baby was losing oxygen and that they had to take a pin-prick of blood from her scalp to see whether this really was the case. It took several attempts because, as the fantastic consultant doing the work told me at the time, "the baby has so much hair, it's incredible!"

Poor M returned in the middle of all this drama. He saw me in stirrups and heard the consultant confirm that Little P was indeed losing oxygen and that I should have a c-section immediately. Of course, I signed the consent form and within seconds M was in scrubs and we were both in theatre. 10 minutes later a very blue Little P was thrust over my face for a fleeting glimpse and then rushed to the resuscitation bay.

She was fine. And M had the rare and wonderful opportunity of bonding with her first for an hour while I was stitched up and recovering. Little P is always so instantly calmed by her daddy. I am positive this instant bonding between them amidst so much stress will be the reason they will always have a very special bond.

Phew, finished. This post took a longer than usual time to complete because I am typing with one hand and holding a fretful and gassy Little P with the other. My life now. We are thinking about buying a cradle swing very soon!

Quickly jumping in...

... to say she's not here yet. I went in yesterday for a membrane sweep and the consultant discovered that the cervix is soft, that I'm 2cm dilated, and that her head could be felt. What I'd thought were Braxton Hicks contractions over the last few days have actually been real contractions. They checked her heart rate and movements for 3 hours and were happy she is well. They did the sweep anyway, which have made me feel like I'm having mild period cramps and aches, and they have booked me in for an induction on the 14th in case labour progresses too slowly. In the meantime, I am trying to balance keeping mobile and upright with getting enough rest. I never thought I would ever say this, but I am actually trying to will on the pain so that I can actually feel that things are progressing quickly!

Please send me loads of labour vibes.

Tick tock, tick tock

This weekend, viewed the brooding American prints at the British Museum, including Edward Hopper and my new favourite dark and foreboding Martin Lewis (above) / Also the meditative Fascination with nature: Birds, flowers and insects in Chinese art exhibition, and a wander around the Korea room / Sex And The City movie sold out so consoled myself by looking at gadgets - bought a Canon photo printer, a Sony HD camcorder and desktop and fullsize tripods / Lunched on pork & kimchi and cheese & asparagus okonomiyaki at Japanese restaurant Abeno / Baked blueberry muffins / Ate steak with pepperonata and capers for dinner, cooked by M (below) / Hoovered the entire house in a sweaty frenzy, trying to kickstart labour / Tick tock, tick tock...

Engaged and palpable

Last night's dinner was lovely. My two girlfriends gave me lots of tips on birth and life with a newborn. And I cooked so much chilli that I had more than enough to freeze in preparation for Little Planet's arrival when we may not want to cook as much.

This morning I saw my doctor. He checked baby's heartbeat and proclaimed it steady and strong. Then he palpated my belly and confirmed that she is in an excellent birthing position - her back to my tummy and head down. In fact, he found that my baby's head is very close to being fully engaged into my pelvis. He could only feel 2 finger-widths of the base of her head above my public bone ("2/5th palpable"). This means she's nearly ready the greet the world. My belly has been looking different this week: it used to be high and taut; now the top is soft and the bump has really dropped downwards; my stomach has room to stretch out now and is gurgling away with (too much) freedom.

I got very excited as my due date is 3rd June, but then he said this doesn't necessarily mean labour will be fast and baby can still come late, especially in first births. I'm next due at the antenatal clinic on 4th June where, if labour hasn't started, I am sure they will do a membrane "sweep" to kick start things. Still, I ate alot of pineapple today and felt rather sick - silly me. I will bounce away on my birthing ball this weekend to further assist gravity. But... not before trying to see the new Sex And The City movie tomorrow in town.

It's the weekend, yipppppeeee!

Tuning out, tuning in... and chilli con carne

I'm really tuning out of the world right now as the big day approaches... retreating into my own space and deeper still to Little Planet... trying to tune in with her even more, encouraging her with thoughts and love to be calm and gently move ever downwards into my pelvis... listening more and more to my birth preparation hypnotherapy meditations and imagining my cervix as a tightly coiled flower that slowly and surely opens up its petals one by one... trying to think of contractions not as painful in and of themselves - because of course they are painful! - but as part of the journey that will bring Little Planet into our lives, into the world... focussing on my breathing techniques... breathing deeply through painful twinges... trying to give Little Planet much more oxygen through my breath to help her on her journey... taking lots of naps, for hours on end... spending alot of time snuggled in my duvet... not really being interested right now in the outside world and the concerns of others...

Except for tonight, when I will host dinner for M and two of my closest friends D and J - a couple, two women, who have three children together and whose civil partnership ceremony a couple of years ago I was witness at. There is a huge pot of chilli con carne bubbling on the stove as I type this, and I will serve it later tonight with basmati rice, tomato salsa, guacamole and sour cream. It is 5pm and raining outside, but I'm okay, because I am tucked safely inside, retreating from the world... for another few hours at least.

Chilli con carne, for 4 big portions

Olive oil
1 large red onion, diced
1 large red pepper, diced
4 garlic cloves, chopped
1kg lean minced beef
25cl red wine
2 x 400g tinned tomatoes
4 tbs tomato puree
2 heaped tsp red chilli flakes
2 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
4 sticks cinnamon
4 good shakes of Worcestershire sauce
1 beef stock cube, crumbled
Salt and pepper to taste
2 x 400g red kidney beans, drained
2 small squares of black chocolate
1 bunch coriander leaves, chopped, as garnish
Wedges of lime to serve

1. Gently saute the onion, garlic and red peppers until translucent then stir in ground coriander and cumin for a few minutes
2. Add meat and fry gently until browned
3. Stir in tomatoes, wine, puree, red chilli flakes, Worcestershire sauce, cinnamon sticks, stock, salt and pepper, chocolate and a little extra water to cover
4. Stir mixture in thoroughly, bring to the boil then lower heat to a gentle simmer for a couple of hours, checking water level and stirring occasionally
5. Towards the end of cooking time, add kidney beans and a squirt of one lime and test if mixture needs more salt or chilli.
6. Sprinkle chopped fresh coriander over the top before serving

Extra special days

Now I am on maternity leave, the concept of weekends and public holidays shouldn't really make a difference to me as every day is a holiday, pre-baby. But days morph into extra special days when I have company. So my special week began on Wednesday night in the company of my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and husband for dinner, when I cooked them a hearty chorizo stew with spinach, garlic, smoked paprika, whole cumin and chickpeas and served it with hot crusty Turkish flat bread.

Thursday consisted of a gentle stroll around Finsbury Park (above) in the glorious sunshine with my mother-in-law, watching babies, identifying trees and taking lots of breathers on park benches. We then lunched at Ottolenghi in Islington, where I ate pork and beef meatloaf with roast beetroot salad and roasted peppers, and my mother-in-law ate salmon with broad beans and roasted aubergines. We finished our meals off with fluffy, sticky meringues. I love lunching here - the ambience is so relaxed and minimalist and friendly. The place is renowned for its salads and desserts and was founded by a Palestinian and an Israeli Jew. They've recently published a cookbook, which I promptly bought a signed copy of.

My mother-in-law then left and later, back at home, I cooked a dinner of orecchiette pasta with a sauce of pancetta, freshly marinated artichokes, garlic, fresh tomatoes, green olives and freshly grated parmesan (above) for M and we followed it with M&S lemon zest cheesecakes in front of the disappointingly anti-climactic season 1 finale of Dirty Sexy Money. Now that I am going out less, I am getting the time to watch more TV and DVDs, which (at the moment) is a real treat.

M had Friday off. While he ran errands, bought provisions and checked out a few art exhibitions in town, I spent most of the morning having my hair done at the Aveda Institute on High Holborn. Such pampering will be my last chance before Little Planet is born so I wanted to make the best of it. However, in the middle of my blissful treatments I received the texts that two of the women from my antenatal group whose babies were due end of May had already given birth. The news brought my 3rd June due date hurtling towards me and I was consumed with a tense mixture of excitement and fear: I really want to meet Little Planet face to face but am obviously afraid of both the birth and how I will look after her; I am also a little sad that what feels like a holiday – a self-indulgent period of me-me-me time – is coming to an end.

M met me afterwards and we lunched at our favourite Korean restaurant Bi Won, where I had my favourite bi bim bab bowl - a stew of vegetables, beef and chilli paste on a bed of rice and a raw egg broken on top, and served sizzling away in an earthenware bowl (above). This is comfort eating of the highest order and for me ranks alongside buttery mashed potatoes, thick, salty, hand-cut chips, and Alphonso mangoes in the comfort eating stakes. M slurped a kimchi and tofu soup. Then we strolled through a vibrant Russell Square in full, pink bloom (below).

Back home, M prepared the dough for pizza and did laundry (my hero), and then took a nap while I chilled under a blazing sun in the garden with my new favourite magazines - Parenting, Parents, Real Simple, Dwell and Junior. For dinner we ate the pizzas topped with our favourite tomato, mozzarella and artichoke toppings (with additions of black olives and anchovies for M) and then ended the night watching the gripping and complex Heroes, season 1, on DVD.

The Bank Holiday weekend was spent at home as I am too weary and heavy to do much out and about now as I enter my 39th week of pregnancy. M went for a run around the park and then to the gym. When he returned he planted coriander, parsley, thyme, sage and basil in pots in the garden (above). In the evening he cooked a mouth-watering Vietnamese meal of beef stewed with tomato, star anise and lemongrass from Andrea Nguyen's Into The Vietnamese Kitchen, which he served with stir-fried water spinach from a local Vietnamese supermarket that has recently opened and brown rice (below); and on a rainy Sunday he roasted lamb with rosemary (from our garden) and garlic for dinner and served it with asparagus and mashed chickpeas. We had Ben & Jerry's phish ice cream for dessert - my first time - yum!

We whiled away the rest of the rainy Bank Holiday chilling in the kitchen reading the weekend papers (below), reading novels (I've started Carol Shields' Duet - wonderfully descriptive evocation of the apparently mundane lives of two sisters - one a biographer, the other a poet), baking muffins filled with lemon zest and sultanas (recipe below), blogging, surfing the net, preparing and then taking delivery of our Ocado order (life-saving at this stage in my pregnancy when I can carry hardly anything), checking and re-checking my hospital bag and baby's things, checking we knew how the infant car seat works, and reading up as much as I can about water births as I am booked in to have one if all progresses well. And Bank Holiday Monday finished with M cooking Singapore prawns for dinner, made with fenugreek, fennel and tamarind (below). Hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend (at least those of you in the UK and US!).

New beginnings

I'm sitting in the Aveda Institute on High Holborn having sublime things done to my hair when I get some texts. Two of the women in my antenatal group whose babies were due 28th and 29th May respectively have already given birth. Early. Unexpectedly. I am next in line at 3rd June. But it could obviously happen any time. Gulp. I am very nervous and a little frightened to be honest. About the birth, of course. But also about how dramatically my life as I've known it is about to change...

38 weeks

In direct contrast to a previous post, the last few days have been much, much better. I have had more energy and fewer naps. I don't know what it is - perhaps it's the cooling of the weather.

...I have eaten cupcakes bought home by M from Candy Cakes in Covent Garden and then been inspired to bake my own vanilla cupcakes dressed with butter icing and violet flowers (above) as well as butter scones, which we demolished over the weekend.

...I have slow-cooked ratatouille for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and enjoyed an evening eating it with them before they crossed the waters to Portugal for a week's spa break.

...I have slow-cooked a courgette, cherry tomato, ricotta and lemon sauce for orecchiette pasta for M.

...I have eaten a scrumptious Indian meal cooked by M from Madhur Jaffrey's comprehensive Ultimate Curry Bible: Cauliflower gosht (above) and lamb in a mustard seed sauce.

...I have spent many an hour preparing our bedroom, as it is shaping up to be a Zen haven with a lovely corner just for the baby (above with moses basket, baby changing unit, and armchair and footstool for holding and feeding her and singing to her), for she will sleep in our room for her first few months before we move her to the nursery. I can see myself and Little Planet spending most of our hours in this heavenly corner.

...I have finished reading Mavis Cheek's witty and sardonic Yesterday's Houses and started reading Penelope Lively's City Of The Mind; I have thrilled to both Boy Child and Climate Of The Hunter by Scott Walker, whose sexy deep vibrato seems to always set Little Planet off, and have also been enjoying Madonna's Hard Candy and Nick Cave's Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!; and I have swooned to Katherine Hepburn in the magical movie Summertime.

...I have hosted a coffee morning for some of the mums-to-be from my antenatal class and enjoyed the company of these women who range from civil servants and researchers to TV and music producers.

...Here's my bump at 36 weeks - 2 weeks ago. I don't know why my wrist looks so strange here; must be the overhead lighting...

...I have perused online for terracotta pots and herbs to grow in our garden, plus ideas for growing a Japanese garden.

...I have been weirdly excited by a phone call from a client who hadn't realised I was on maternity leave. It made me miss work.

...I have craved, just for a couple of days thankfully, bland ready-made curries and samosas and quiches and potato salads and cheap chocolate mousse from the supermarket, which was strange as thus far in my pregnancy I had only craved milk and fruit (perhaps why I have only put on 15lbs in weight to date - I thought I would put on much more, but really the only thing that has gotten bigger on my body has been my stomach).

...I've bought more clothes for the baby from Green Baby (and her first teddy bear from Mothercare)...

...With women in my antenatal class beginning to go into labour now, I have written my birth plan and begun packing my hospital bag just in case.

Post for Ma

My mum wrote me an email in response to my previous post. She said she felt sad that I was feeling bored and unwell and that she couldn't help me. So I emailed her back:

Hi Ma,

Don't be sad. Today, remarkably, I felt much better. I didn't sleep once in fact and had lots of energy. I think it helped that the weather was much cooler today, which makes me feel more energetic.

I think my boredom is mostly due to excitement and impatience - we have bought everything for the baby now and I have read all I want to about birth and looking after a newborn. Now I just want her to arrive so I can enjoy her and begin the next chapter of my life.


Lots of love,
xxx

Off-loading

Let it be noted, that at 37 weeks and 4 days, I am now officially bored of being pregnant. Yes, I am seeing family and meeting up with new friends from my antenatal class, I am dreaming of the baby, I am reading and sitting in the garden and buying baby things. But I am too big, too inflexible, too tired, too hot and too nauseous to enjoy anything now. Today, all I could do was sleep all day and feel nauseous and it was boring. I want M to stay at home so he can keep me company, so he can keep my mind off things, so he can be the person I can whinge and whine to to my heart's content. As afraid as I am of the birth, I just want her to be born now.

37 weeks

• Saturday was spent wandering around the brilliant China Design Now and Blood On Paper exhibitions at the Victoria & Albert Museum; buying assorted green teas and Indian chai tea and chatting away to the owner about, you guessed it, tea at Postcard Teas; eating masala dosa and nair dosa (filled with a mixture of potatoes, beetroot, carrot, onions and ginger) at Keralan restaurant Rasa W1 next door; shopping for soap at Liberty and food provisions on Brewer Street - Japanese at Arigato, Italian at Lina Stores, salads at Fresh & Wild; stocking up on armfuls of paperback fiction at Waterstone's on Piccadilly - Carol Shields, Mavis Cheek, Ann Packer, Jane Smiley, Saul Bellow, Penelope Lively, Nikita Lalwani and Rumer Godden - to read when breastfeeding, though I'm already engrossed in the Mavis Cheek novel.
  
  
• As lovely and stimulating a day as it had been, it was a relief to get back home, to be honest, and sit down to a lovely meal cooked by M of grilled mackerel fillets and zesty green and red salad. For by the end of the day I was exhausted and realised this was the last busy Saturday I can have until after the birth. Next week I'll be staying closer to home - ideally in my home. My pelvis aches more, I'm getting more frequent Braxton Hicks and period-like cramps, I'm getting looser motions, and frankly it's too hot for me now.
  
  
• As we came home, we chatted briefly with one of our immediate neighbours. They also work in the City and have a 16 month old toddler and the woman was recommending good local nurseries. The best one, apparently, is at the end of our road and though we are in the "catchment area", it has a "strict selection criteria". For nursery. Uh-oh, it's all begun. Now I am worrying whether we will meet the selection criteria, whatever that is, and Little Planet hasn't even been born!
  
  
• Sunday was spent sitting in the garden, reading and watching M do some gardening. We want to plant herbs and jasmine and vegetables so he was weeding and preparing the beds. M spends his weeks (and many a weekend) working hard as a lawyer in the City, but despite the little free time he has, he finds cooking and now gardening (and wandering around galleries) the perfect form of stress relief. Lucky for me. But I did my fair share of cooking last week - aubergines and chickpeas in a spicy tomato sauce, and a red lentil dahl. This week I plan on cooking risotto with borlotti beans, peas and courgettes, a spinach and paneer curry, and some orecchiette with rocket and walnut pesto and cherry tomatoes. To end the day, M cooked homemade pizzas - he even made the base from scratch - with toppings of mozzarella, artichokes, tomatoes and anchovies and we ate them in front of Heroes, Season 1.
  
  
• Now the weather is so lovely, I've been sitting in the garden a lot. I can't wait to spend time in the garden with Little Planet. I can't wait for her to discover the swishing leaves on trees and dappled sunlight for the first time. To see the world anew with her eyes will be such a treat.
  
  
• I realised the other day, that I have spent nearly 9 months building up a picture of Little Planet in my head - how she looks, what her personality is like, based on my scans and her activity within my womb. I have grown to love her antenatally. Soon she will be born and I will have to discover her and learn to love her afresh. Not just one time, I suspect, but over and over again for as long as we will be together.
  

Summer chilling

Wasn't it a glorious May Bank Holiday weekend? The sun here in London shone and shone and everyone tried to make the most of it by being out in the sunshine and hot air with bare arms and legs.

We spent Saturday hopping from one gallery to another courtesy of many black cabs due to my advanced pregnancy: the voluptuous, almost edible paintings of Howard Hodgkin at the Gasgosian in Kings Cross (above); the haunting, mysterious, highly charged interpretations of Edgar Allan Poe's works at the White Cube Hoxton Square and the atmospheric, dungeon-like interior of the Shoreditch Town Hall and featuring the stellar cast of such luminaries as the Chapman Brothers, Cindy Sherman, Anselm Kiefer and Harland Miller; and the filmic photos of small-town life by Gregory Crewdson at the White Cube Mason's Yard in Piccadilly.

Saturday was also spent ordering big ticket items from John Lewis for the baby, including a red and black Bugaboo Bee pushchair/pram and assorted accessories, a black Maxi Cosi car seat/carrier, a white wooden chest of drawers and matching fitted changing top, a classic wicker moses basket and stand, a digital baby monitor, BabyBjorn sling, breast pump, Baby Einstein activity gym and assorted basic clothes, sheets and blankets.

We lunched at our favourite Fernandez & Wells in Soho and later bought assorted food, including fresh tuna steaks, from the buzzing John Lewis Food Hall. At home, we ate the tuna steaks with a simple salad of rocket, beet and chard leaves and cherry tomatoes dressed in a homemade (by M) orange zest and balsamic dressing. Then ended the night eating Presat chocolates (mint wafers and chocolate covered apricots) whilst watching Heroes, Season 1 on DVD as we never caught it first time round.

Sunday and Monday were incredibly chilled affairs spent largely lazing around at home: laying in bed until late in the morning; breakfasting on freshly ground coffee and bagels with Camembert and apricot jam; reading the FT and Sunday Times outside in our garden; cooking and eating Spanish tortilla with sides of fresh tomatoes and grilled asparagus with Parmesan shavings, and also roast chicken with sides of chicory gently sauteed in butter and a rocket salad; tidying up the garden; doing laundry and hanging it out on the line.

Since yesterday, Tuesday, M is back at work, but as I am on maternity leave I am doing much the same - simply chilling. I have four weeks to go and am making the most of this time off. In honesty, it feels like a wonderful, extended vacation - the kind I've not had since my university days (and even then I usually worked during the holidays).

My favourite moments over the past few days? Feeling Little Planet's teeny weeny foot pressing against the side of my stomach and into my hand. She's head down now - her head in my pelvis, her back against my lefthand side, her legs curled across the top of my stomach and her feet pressing into my top righthand side. She's apparently around 6lbs in weight and is a tiny bundle of energy. I am so much in love.

Changes

I've bought the first things for the baby. These are from Green Baby in Islington. When I looked at them hanging up in the store, I thought they were far too small. And then I placed them over my belly and realised, My goodness, babies really are very tiny aren't they! Tomorrow, we order the bigger things... Bugaboo Bee, Maxi Cosi car seat, moses basket, changing unit, Baby Einstein activity mat, basic cotton clothing and sheets etc. But just to prove to ourselves we still have a life outside of pregnancy and babies, we have a list of art galleries we want to visit too. Just like the old days, but then, not quite... Life has changed.

Packing a hospital bag

In a month (give or take a week or two either way), I will be meeting Little Planethalder, God willing, in the flesh for the first time. Bearing in mind that I know very few people who have given birth, bearing in mind that I am booked into a midwife-run birthing centre at my hospital with a birthing pool in my room, bearing in mind things can go differently and I could still end up on the regular labour ward or in theatre for a c-section, bearing mind the hospital will be warm and it'll be June, bearing in mind I have no clue about birth or babies... how do the contents of my hospital bag (for myself and baby) sound - what am I missing and what can I miss off?

My hospital bag

• 6 x cheap comfy granny knickers (I don't fancy disposables)
  
• 2 x packs maternity sanitary pads
• 2 x packs night-time ultra flow sanny pads with wings (as protective base)
• Sanny bags for disposing pads
• 2 x nursing bras
• Pack of absorbent breast pads
• Nipple cream
• 2 x front-buttoning nightie for labour and breastfeeding (I'm too shy to let it all hang out for all to see)
• 1 x lightweight dressing gown
• Tanktini top for birthing pool
• 2 x dark tracksuit bottoms for early/post-labour
• 2 x dark baggy ti-shirts for early/post-labour (nursing ones or front buttoning)
• Slippers & socks
• Flipflops for bathroom
• Birth ball
• Hair scrunchie
• Hair brush
• Towel for bathing (I am sure my own will be more comfortable and bigger than the hospital one)
  
• Lip salve
• Face moisturiser
• Deordorant
• Toothbrush and tooth paste
• Contact lenses & case & solution (want to look good for photos!)
• Glasses
• Kajal
• Shampoo
• Bodywash
• Massage oil
• Granola bars, crisps, apples, carton drinks, canned drinks, fizzy water, isotonic drinks, bendy straw & cup
• iPod (with loads of music and my natal hypnotherapy meditations) & speakers & headphones
• Book & magazines
• Camera
• Camcorder (not to film the birth, but post-birth)
  
• TENS machine
• Antenatal notes
• Birth plan
• Watch to time contractions
• Notepad & pen
• Clean going home clothes
• Anti-bacterial wipes for public toilets/bathroom
• Arnica tablets & healing (organic/herbal) wipes for soreness down below
• Tissues

My baby's bag

• 10 x nappies (I think the hospital may supply these, but just in case)
  
• 4 x vests
• 4 x gros
• 2 x socks
• 1 x mits
• 1 x sun hat
• 1 x cotton cardigan
• Cotton wool
• Baby towel
• Baby cotton blanket
• Carseat
• Muslin squares

On a different note, several people have requested photos of the new house. We still need to repaint the house and change the kitchen and bathroom and some furniture is still needed, so aesthetically the house at the moment does not reflect our personal taste. When it does, the photos will come. In the meantime, here are photos from when we first saw the house.

A mother's blessing

This weekend, my mother threw me a Bengali ceremony called shaadh ("my mother's wish") to bless both her expectant daughter and her unborn grandaughter, and to wish for a successful and healthy delivery. She prepared a variety of delicious dishes for me to eat and invited my husband, father, mother-in-law and sister-in-law. My mother toasted both me and the "Little Gem" inside of me and then we feasted on: rohu fish; curried cauliflower; mixed vegetable chorchori with red leaves (lal sag), pumpkin, baby aubergines and Indian green beans (shim); channa dal with coconut and sultanas; dahi ghost - lamb stewed in a spicy yoghurt sauce; tomato chutney; and ladoos and son papri for dessert. It was simply wonderful. Thank you Ma!

34 weeks

It's been a fraught start to my maternity leave. M was away in New Orleans and I missed him terribly. His touch would have been the perfect de-stresser as I dealt with the seemingly endless procession of John Lewis delivery men (AEG washing machine, Siemens fridge/freezer, Brabantia bin, spare double bed), house clearance men, plumbers (for defective washing machine), John Lewis after-sales clerks (for ditto) and BT. On Saturday night, I was so stressed that I was physically sick. And now it's a week of guests (though fortunately family and close friends only), antenatal visits and classes, and more deliveries.

And this house is so much bigger than I've been used to in recent years that in my heavily pregnant state it's such an effort to go up to my lovely bedroom to nap, so I catch the zzzz's on the sofa. I can't even think about cleaning and hoovering the house in preparation for all the visitors. And taking/collecting dry cleaning or shopping for food just for lunch is simply too much of an effort. I waddle heavily and feel like everyone is staring at me and I feel like an elephant. Fortunately the lovely M is now back and, as always, takes as much on as he can and never complains.

Not knowing many pregnant women before me, I didn't realise how much bigger and tireder the last month of pregnancy makes one. All I want to do is reside in the deepest silence that exists. I want no words, no sounds, no movement, no obligations to anyone. I want perfect stillness.

But inspite of this, just now I took a step back and walked around my house and stroked my huge belly and thought how lucky I am, how much my life has changed for the better these past two years, how I wouldn't have it any other way.

My daughter is growing exponentially and rolling around to her heart's content inside of me. I think about her constantly. This weekend, I attended both the Cloud Gate Dance Theatre Of Taiwan's magical and ravishing Moon Water performance at the Sadler's Wells, performed to Bach's Cello Suites, and Paco Pena and Nishat Khan fusing flamenco guitar with Indian sitar (MP3 link) at the Royal Festival Hall. As well as enjoying it for myself, I kept wondering how Little Planet was enjoying the music also. Certainly throughout she was rolling around and stretching out.

I am so excited for her to be born and gaze upon her and hold her and cherish her for hours on end. But I admit I am also attached to her snuggled tightly inside of me. For while she's inside of me, it's just me and her and the bond is between just the two of us. These last few weeks are the weeks to treasure. For once she is out in the world, I will have to share her.

Offline

Quickly jumping in from work to say I'll be offline for another week. British Telecom can't seem to get their act together at all, but we are stuck with them as we don't want cable or Sky. It's perhaps a blessing in disguise though: I start maternity leave this Wednesday and have a busy start to my leave - arranging and waiting for numerous deliveries and a room clearance, having friends and family over to visit, going out and about to this or that concert and this or that restaurant, attending antenatal classes and appointments, sleeeeping... I don't need to be distracted by the net - although I still haven't bought anything for the baby, so need to be online pretty soon, eeeekkk!

See you in a week with a proper post.

Easter drift

In the end I didn't do much more than drift from one thing to another without purpose, which makes a refreshing change as I am a woman who likes to plan.

I watched season premieres of House and Grey's Anatomy, neither of which I've seen before, as well as the new Dirty Sexy Money, which is looking promising. I chatted with my parents and with M over the phone twice a day as he travelled between Jacksonville and Manhattan (where I'd instructed - whoops, requested - him to look at camcorders, laptops and DKNY clothing for me). I watched Brief Encounter and a few episodes of The Waltons on DVD. I watched The Way We Were. I filled my bags at the Food Hall in John Lewis and cabbed it home, chatting about Thailand with the affable taxi driver who has a Thai wife and 8 month old daughter living in Issan. I ate alot of Green & Black's milk chocolate and blood red oranges and marmite on toast, though not all together. I stayed in bed late, sleeping, napping, reading Hullabaloo In The Guava Orchard and The Inheritance Of Loss, and listening to Loretta Lynn, Leonard Cohen and Lambchop on my iPod. I wrote in my journal - a pretty pink and cream Japanese notebook from London Mitsukoshi's JP Books. I did laundry but I couldn't be bothered to hoover and dust the house despite my mother-in-law coming over on Easter Monday (today). I showed her around the new house. We went out to eat Turkish food with her friend and my sister-in-law and we looked at baby photos of M. We watched the 4D video of Little Planet's scan. I watched my belly dance as the baby did her rolling and kicking and hiccuping routine inside me. I browsed baby and nursery products from independent sellers on the internet. I read other peoples' blogs. And tomorrow morning I am off to my parents' house to eat home-cooked curries and drift aimlessly for another week.

I miss M so much. It's the longest we've been apart. I know from my own experience that a life spent largely alone can be rich and rewarding if you continually endeavour to make it so. But it's wonderful how much texture, shape and rhythm a loved one gives to one's day.

29 weeks

A little blurred as I don't have a scanner so had to photograph the scans with a slightly wobbly hand, but here is Little Planet in full 3D gloriousness. We got some video footage of her moving around too. Our little girl. She already has hair. Doesn't she look like a baby alien!

After the scan on Harley Street on Saturday, we popped over to Marylebone for lunch at Café Divertimenti of spinach and bacon quiche, Iberian platter, blackberry and amaretti tart, almond and raspberry shortbread, and coffees. In between bites, we eyed up the pretty little Indian toddler lunching on Hipp organic baby food with her parents. Then to John Lewis to look at carpets for upstairs in the new house, rugs for the living room, a spare bed, and curtains. And then, to the Barbican for Hou Hsiao-Hsien's new movie, Flight of the Red Balloon. Though not as compelling as his previous Café Lumière, the film spun a chaotic human story around a calm and serene heart in an elegant and beautiful way. Then a hearty dinner of lamb chops and kebabs at our favourite Turkish restaurant Antepliler.

Most of Sunday was spent in the new house, dismantling old wardrobes the previous owner had left behind, measuring areas to see where things should go, and generally enjoying ourselves in our first official, privately-owned place together as a couple.

My home, my family. This weekend was bliss.

Waiting to leave

• Singing nursery rhymes to my bump
• Playing Baby Einstein classical music to my bump
  
• Stroking and talking to her for hours on end
• Reading and listening to music in a big, comfy armchair
• Doing pregnancy meditation
• Doing pregnancy yoga
• Pottering around my new home
• Sitting in my new garden with a mug of hot milk or chocolate
• Listening to DAB radio in my new kitchen
• Daydreaming about our baby
• Cooking meals for M
• Having long, candlelit soaks in our new bathroom
• Envisioning how each room should look like
• Surfing the net from the couch, in bed, at the kitchen table and in the garden, because finally we will have wi-fi
• Watching classic old movies on DVD
• Buying things we will treasure for the baby and for the house
• Being alone and free to reflect, to prepare and to nurture myself and my bump

These are the things I am most looking forward to doing when I start maternity leave in a few weeks. Some of these things I can do and am doing now, but in snatches of time. In my new house and with uninterrupted hours, I will have space and time to simply be, before my life becomes three. Sigh.