It's overwhelming...

... how sad I get sometimes when I look at my daughter and think how much of her life I will not be witness to. I am neither old nor ill, and yet there will come a day when I will pass away and not have the privilege to see how she develops as a woman, how the rest of her life will turn out... Do other mothers feel this way?

Cotton days

My husband returned from a work week in Chicago with a bunch of flowers, a good bottle of wine and a couple of filet mignon. For two years ago today, we were wed.

The days and weeks since my last post have been filled with activity: sharing my days and nights with my baby, spending time with my mother (who cooked lovely homestyle Bengali meals for me while M was away and who helped me look after Little Planet), having visitors over, eating out at local restaurants with some mothers and their babies from my antenatal class, preparing for my return to work (making hair appointments, for example, and going through my wardrobe to see what new clothes I may need)...

But I have missed M desperately and he returns to the States again next week. We have vowed to each other not to invite any people over for the Easter break. It will be the week before I go back to work and the three of us need to spend time together, alone.

In the meantime, we have this weekend. Oh, I can't wait!

Happy anniversary, my love xxx

8 months

Happy 8 month birthday, baby! I know you are having a grand old time with your dad. I miss you. See you Monday night before your bedtime!

A different kind of mother's guilt

First thing this morning, we confirmed fulltime childcare provision for Little Planet, to start at the end of April. We have employed a registered mother and daughter childminding team who will look after Little Planet in their own home along with two other small children. The decision wasn't taken lightly: we interviewed them, we checked their reports and references, we viewed their home and watched them with one of their 14 month old charges.

Later on in the morning, we took Little Planet to my office in central London to show her off to meet my work colleagues for the first time. I was brought up to date on some of the new clients our company has acquired over the eight months I have been away.

I am not feeling guilty about leaving Little Planet in the care of others - far from it: I believe she will thrive in the sociable and stimulating environment fostered by these two childcare professionals. These women do far more with their charges than I do with my baby. I am the only mother in my antenatal group (bar one other) who doesn't need to return to work for financial reasons and I am the only mother who has not felt guilty about leaving my baby in the care of others.

Instead, I am feeling guilty about my strong desire to return to work - and fulltime to boot. Regular readers of this blog will know that, as much as I adore Little Planet and think of her practically every minute of my day, I have found the practicalities of motherhood quite monotonous. I yearn for the cut and thrust and variety of my job. Moreover, I have always been ambitious and very focussed and am eager to get back on the career ladder. And as a mother I feel that I shouldn't feel this way.

It's a different kind of "mother's guilt" that I am experiencing.